Look for turn cues. These are nonverbal indicators of maintaining the conversational turn, allowing the turn or denying the turn. These manifest in eye contact, defensive gestures and regulators. Recognizing and using regulators appropriately can give a sense of conversational progress.
Use both active and passive listening. Active listening responds both nonverbally and verbally, but only within a turn cue. Index emotions as you listen then reflect back.
“You sound really unsettled. I can hear it in your voice.”
Passive listening does not respond until the disclosure is over. Allow a few moments to pass and then engage.
Are they “listenable?” At escalation, most are spewing not to be listened to, but to verbally attack. Time for a distraction.
Unhook. Researchers use distraction tasks to level subjects, bringing them back to a point of controlling and predicting. While that may be a lot to ask for in an escalated situation, a simple distraction can normalize what seems to be uncertain. It could be something in common, a car, a musical instrument, a piece of furniture. “How long have you been playing guitar?”
Never interrupt. Interrupting an emotional purge is not going to do anything but continue to escalate the situation. Talking over the subject only indicates that you either aren’t listening to begin with or what you have to say is more important than what they’re saying. While that may be the case, the subject doesn’t see it that way.
Resist abusive questions. Best practices would be to not respond to any verbal abuse, not even to try to stop the tirade. Here is where it pays to not take anything personally.
“Why are all cops racists?”
“Why are all cops racists?”
Solicit solutions. Best to avoid patronizing here, but involving the subject in negotiating outcomes does two things; it validates their input and continues to de-escalate. If you’re asking them to be reasonable in offering solutions, emotions have to abate in order for them to contribute. Explain and clarify.
Be clear on any protocols you may be following to separate, ensure safety and reduce risk. Talk about it along the way, step by step.
Control protocols are much easier to engage after de-escalation where reasoning for such can be better understood. Clarify that external controls are protocol that serves the best interest of everyone involved. It’s not personal.
Control protocols are much easier to engage after de-escalation where reasoning for such can be better understood. Clarify that external controls are protocol that serves the best interest of everyone involved. It’s not personal.
Provide choices with positive outcomes. Use time to your advantage in offering choices that lead to de-escalation.
“Would you like to continue this conversation calmly or would you rather take a minute and collect your thoughts?” Empathize with feelings, not behavior. Escalation comes from emotion. Identify the feelings showing your understanding, but don’t tolerate abusive behavior.
“I understand you have the right to be angry, but that doesn’t entitle you to be abusive.”
Go cognitive instead of affective. Tap into the subjects thinking by leading with questions like,
“Help me understand what you’re saying to me,” rather than, “Tell me how you feel.” This keeps disclosure at a descriptive level instead of evaluative. You can help out the situation, but you can’t abate how the subject feels about it.
Show gratitude. Again, don’t patronize, but if the subject complied and did something that made this stop easier to manage, thank them. Thank them in advance by expressing appreciation as a reciprocal to their compliance.
“Would you like to continue this conversation calmly or would you rather take a minute and collect your thoughts?” Empathize with feelings, not behavior. Escalation comes from emotion. Identify the feelings showing your understanding, but don’t tolerate abusive behavior.
“I understand you have the right to be angry, but that doesn’t entitle you to be abusive.”
Go cognitive instead of affective. Tap into the subjects thinking by leading with questions like,
“Help me understand what you’re saying to me,” rather than, “Tell me how you feel.” This keeps disclosure at a descriptive level instead of evaluative. You can help out the situation, but you can’t abate how the subject feels about it.
Show gratitude. Again, don’t patronize, but if the subject complied and did something that made this stop easier to manage, thank them. Thank them in advance by expressing appreciation as a reciprocal to their compliance.
“For your safety, I’d appreciate it if you stood over here.”
“You helped all this go a lot easier and I’m grateful for your cooperation.”
“You helped all this go a lot easier and I’m grateful for your cooperation.”
